From a Father living with a Neurodivergent Child

Living with neurodivergent child is nothing of which I could ever dream. One could say it is about understanding and knowledge and education, but nothing prepares you for it. When you see movies and hear stories it is always about other people and you think how could I ever live with that?

There is a motto I live by. Plain and simple yet so powerful in so many ways.

THE SUN ALWAYS RISES.

Much like my life. My son always rises. He feels things differently than you and me. He processes things differently than you and me. I could tell you it is an easy journey. I could tell you that in a perfect world this would not be a reality. But we are not living in a perfect world.

My son is my greatest teacher. As much as I want the best for him. I want him to see me as the best I can be. As much as I would like for him to be perfect in the worlds view of perfection. He is perfect to me. I am not just saying it because I am his father. I am saying it because he is my son and he is my world.

When the body processes differently I must see what the best way is to help him feel like he is the king of his own body.

With most kids you take a soccer ball and show your kid how to kick it and they get it. This is where is gets better. I get to hold his foot and lead his foot to the ball so that the brain can process how the coordination must work. It is about programming the brain to remember process of events. Build the muscle memory.

The defining part is not treating him differently. It is about showing everyone how to collaborate with him.

Once that muscle memory is programmed, he has it. Then it is just repetition.

We are taught failure is not an option. We are taught to be winners and not losers.

I say you must fail to pass. You must lose to win.

Try facing life from his shoes. Try facing life when he goes to kids to play with them and they turn around and say we do not want to play with you because you are weird. Try facing the world when the educators are so busy on their phones and talking to each other that they do not see or hear anything.

Try facing the world when he wakes up crying and saying why do kids not want to play with me.

As a father is hurts me to see other children hurt my son like this, but I must show him that not everyone is like this. As a father, I must show him how to be resilient and see the beauty in people and the world.

I see the world we live in, and it is full of labels. How can we expect our children to function and respect and love and care when all everyone is focused on is a label. The list is endless and it all diminishes the child's sense of worth when it is used to stigmatise instead of supporting them.

As a father I break inside when he gets hurt. As a father to let go is the hardest thing in the world.

Neurodivergence is real. But it is not your child. They are not a label. They are a person like you and I with a unique and differently wired brain. It does not make them less.

I worked shift work and was out the house for up to 22 hours a day. Sometimes I did not see my son for a few weeks except for him sleeping or me sleeping. That hurts. It hurt me as a father but how much more so did it hurt my son. I must take time to watch how he does things. Ask him questions. Play on the PlayStation with him. Kick a ball outside or play our made-up card games.

As a father I can understand other fathers’ frustrations. As a father I can feel other men's guilt. As a man we learn to just keep moving and roll with the punches of life be it physical or mental.

Holding my son in my arms, getting time to play games or rough and tumble- this is our time. It is our time to build our bond, so he knows I am here for him through the good times and the tough ones. It is ok to be angry; it is ok to be sad or happy or have any emotion. Just do not let those emotions control you. Have your moment and move on. You only have your son once in your life. Do not let it pass you by so fast that you do not know them.

Neurodivergence - there is no quick fix. One pill can not take it away. Neurodivergence is making your son feel that the way he is, is perfectly normal to you, and help him understand that he is amazing and special and that you are proud of him.

Do I fail. You bet. Do I lose. Most definitely. Can I go to my son and say I am sorry. Yes, I can. I may not be the perfect dad, but I am his father. And I am doing my best.

He is and will always be my son.

Written By

Bryan Butler

Father of a Neurodivergent Son